A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
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Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first