@5exyunchained: A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she's homeless.
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@Brianhopecomedy: I checked my phone while I was mowing the lawn and now we don't have a garden.
@NotBachibawlz: Someday astronauts will land on the sun .... Im hoping they're smart enough to do this at nighttime when it's not as hot
@withanewname: *beep TSA: here try again *beep TSA: here try again *beep TSA: here try again ME: WTF? TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here's your pants.
@DaHess1: Her: What's your fantasy? Me: Movie theaters that charge kids 3 and under $500 per ticket.