A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
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“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
step 6: release the wall snake
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
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