[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
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Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!