A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
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*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠