*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
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What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care