A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
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[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.