@brendohare: A nation cheers as Bigfoot is finally found. "We just yelled his name," said the head explorer. "Can't believe no one thought of that."
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@GingerHotDish: I'm not saying the character Merida was modeled after me, but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
@GrantTanaka: Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
@thenatewolf: *sees a guy snap fingers at a server. I reach for my bag* Wife: No. We only have one left. We have a baby. Me: (to genie) take his fingers
@slimmy_shady: I don't want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.