A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
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Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.