kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
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8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?