6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
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Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those