@juliussharpe: A new study shows dolphins have great memory. Memories include "Swam in water" and "Ate".
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@Sean_Burgundy_: Winning a fight with your gf is like winning a vacation to Detroit. Don't get too excited
@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: How would you define yourself? ME: *don't let her know you're a delicious chocolate cake* Moist
@WilliamAder: They found Richard III's skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
@OtherDanOBrien: ME: I've expressed this political opinion so clearly, there's no way anyone could misinterpret it. THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted