A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
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Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
We decided to have money instead of children.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.