A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
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Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.