A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
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Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Well, that should do it
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.