A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
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side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun