@BareChesty: Sorry I'm late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally... Occupied

@KaptainKoRnie: Since the invention of the smart phone, how many times have you clicked a desktop icon once and waited for a response. Ok, just me?

@tchrquotes: Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away. *I see my coworker is nervous* Me: Relax, how bad can it be. Salmon: Shut. Up.

@lasergirl70: Friend "Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy" Me "There's WINE delivery?"

@bdbdleeroybrown: Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.