A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
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No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.