teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
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Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”