A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
You Might Also Like
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Me buying fruit and veg
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that