A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
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Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Erm I’m gonna say no
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.