A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
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[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!