“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
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Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
me and the Superbowl rn
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress