[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
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This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.