a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
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Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up