bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
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If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13