@JayJazzi: A policeman came into my house and told me to put my hands up.I told him that he wasn't a DJ and we laughed and laughed and now I'm in jail.
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@PinkCamoTO: H: You look nice. Me: I'm meeting one of my Twitter friends today. H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one? Me: Yep
@Brampersandon_: [chiropractor] Dr., your client Tony is here -Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap Yes -Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
@TheGayFlash: I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin or a lawnmower.
@amydillon: I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.