@JayJazzi: A policeman came into my house and told me to put my hands up.I told him that he wasn't a DJ and we laughed and laughed and now I'm in jail.
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@sock_holliday: [Doctor's Office] Doctor: The bad news is you have 3 months to live. Me: What's the good news? Doctor: You should make it til Shark Week
@sonictyrant: Me: [holds up bazooka] Friend: what’s wrong with you? we’re just duck hunting [across the field] Ducks: [setting up grenade launcher]
@TheCatWhisprer: REPORTER: *asks question* POLITICIAN: that's a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, "why the long face?" & the horse says, "why the English Lit degree?"