Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
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[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Bless you
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
How to woo a woman
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”