I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
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The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape