The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
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PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Why soy sad?
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.