A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
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I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.