@smhbrb: A polite way to call someone's baby ugly is to say "Oh. He looks just like you."
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@deedles420: My husband said he was taking a spider out, instead of killing it. That was an hour ago. I bet they're drunk by now.
@ShawnHatosy: If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
@NurseMurderer: My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, "all over."
@dmc1138: Steve Miller: "Some call me the gangster of love." Rest of the Steve Miller Band: "Nobody calls him that."