A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
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Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
how to have fun when you’re poor
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”