MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
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Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
What a year we’ve had this week.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now