When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
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some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?