the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
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I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.