A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
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everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.