A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
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For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…