@NYC_Blonde: A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
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@bingowings14: Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
@Brampersandon_: *walks into funeral while playing the mandolin* "I'm sorry. Am I interrupting?" *dead guy sits up in casket* No it sounds lovely. Keep going
@mommy_cusses: Once upon a time, You weren't listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
@XplodingUnicorn: I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain. My favorite child is the Roomba.