@NYC_Blonde: A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
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@nbadag: *mob meeting* ayo new guy—who're you? "they call me the butcher" oh yea? why's that, butch? *smacks him with a pork loin* "no reason"
@Soo_Scandalouss: I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
@AristotlesNZ: Boss: "Thanks for making me my coffee. You know what'd go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a nice..Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
@NurseMurderer: Objects in the mirror may appear like you've been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.