@NYC_Blonde: A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
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@crushingbort: Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
@ScottyDsntKnow3: My wife thinks I'm too impulsive. How the hell would she know? We only met last week!
@trumpetcake: Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
@SteveSuckington: Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness? Me: [wearing my wife's wedding dress] laundry