@fillthevacuum: A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn't have a period.
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@Eric_Bader: Got laid twice in two days so either I've done something really good or my wife has done something really bad.
@POOPSCRUFFIN4U: [first date] DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths ME: *slowly pushes date's coffee off table*
@GibJimson: Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own. Then eat it in front of them.
@cloudypianos: i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword