A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
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[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
If snakes were wide
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors