@fillthevacuum: A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn't have a period.
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@robwhisman: [swipes debit card] *would you like cash back?* yes [gazes at photo in wallet of steve jobs johnny cash & bob hope, whispers] yes i would
@SadPeruna: Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom's boyfriend Craig won't let me call him Dad when we hug?
@just1fool: Since I live my financial life under water I decided to put a "Beware of sharks" sign in my front yard.
@TotallyAllen: HOW TO START A CONVERSATION ON THE BUS: Look longingly out the window and remark, "Such a shame this is all just gonna burn."