A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
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Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
IT’S-A ME,
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking