A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
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Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.