A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
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i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me: