If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
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And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.