As the Lord intended
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[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.