A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
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My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Dolls on drugs