A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
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Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Smells like a challenge to me
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.