“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
You Might Also Like
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥