A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
You Might Also Like
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
I feel seen
Somewhere in an alternate universe
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.