A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
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Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Who knew!
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.