a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
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[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.