@leyawn: a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn't a rock
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@cloudypianos: *lady shares a wallet photo of her son* *i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
@SortaBad: Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
@conanobrienswyf: Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
@ruinedpicnic: Humans pretend to be smart but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we're suddenly gonna have x-ray vision