@leyawn: a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn't a rock
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@lovemydogduck: My son's method of Laundry: If it's clean it's on the floor. If it's dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
@murrman5: "I know you don't wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you'd try to ruin it" [in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
@GingerFactor: No one has ever called me "daddy" in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car. I feel a bit deprived.......
@david8hughes: [in Walmart] "Excuse me, do you have towels?" "Oh, I don't work here." [leans in close] "I don't give a shit where you work."