There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
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It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Who did it better?
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want