Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
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It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
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10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
These are my roll models.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.