The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
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[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Worst bar ever.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT