Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
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My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
A customer told me they were never coming back….
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast